Long Way Home
by Deadelfsgirl
Summary: AU-First Contact War to start, spinning right into an AU- Mass Effect 1 and beyond. Kaidan and Jane have been together since they were kids. Both biotics, their lives have been mapped out since day one. But when Kaidan is injured and left in a coma, Jane is left alone and her life takes a turn she could have never imagined. Shepard/Vakarian Pairing later on.
1. Preface: How We Got Here

**~~I have been stewing over this storyline since before I finished, 'Raised Turian'. As a side note, I found it impossible to take someone else's idea, and make it my own. Thanks for your understanding bostonrose. Your story idea was great. I just found it very hard to write. So I have picked this up, brushed it off and present it for your inspection. It is written a bit differently than my normal style. So, I'll just leave it here. ~~**

ooOoo

The First Contact War; our first run in with extraterrestrials, it wasn't the nice story we all thought it would be. It was a War that consumed our young lives. It was the only thing we knew. While we should have been exploring the Galaxy, learning about its citizens, we were being trained to kill them.

Our parents like to joke that we met before we were born. Kaidan's parents and mine were stationed in Singapore where both of our mothers were exposed to Element Zero.

We were lucky; we both turned out more or less normal. That is, if you count being a biotic normal. But hey, it's better than what could have happened. We could have had terminal brain cancer; so in all honesty, our families were the lucky ones.

Truth be told I don't have any solid memories of Kaidan Alenko until we were five. And that was pushing him into the mud. My mom said he chased me around the yard for the better part of an hour before finally giving up and crying to his mom. It was always like that for us, he was always trying to catch me, until I finally slowed down and let him.

Biotic normal school was the hardest part of our young lives; the implants then were rudimentary at best and left us with scars and migraines. We had no true knowledge of Biotics at the time, mostly just what soldiers had seen in the war, on the front lines.

We were no different than test animals. Kaidan and I made it out okay. And by okay I mean, a lot of emotional scars, but we at least had each other and our lives. A lot of our friends weren't as lucky, but there was a war to fight. No time to mourn the dead in a war far from won.

Our parents were active military our whole lives, and with a war to fight, we went from boarding school, to biotic school. We hadn't been a full time part of their lives for a long time when we enlisted. They were heroes though, and it was a lot to live up to.

We both entered the military at the age of eighteen, as soon as we were out of Biotic Normal School.

We were stationed in Vancouver, it was where Kaidan's parents had been from and that first summer we thought we were in heaven. That was also the last summer we spent out of active combat, and is as good a place to start as any.

ooOoo

"Helluva lot better than brain camp, eh, J," Kaidan stopped on the sand and stared out over the water towards the fading sun.

"Hells to the yes, you can say that again." Taking a deep breath Jane sank to the sand to take in the last rays of the setting sun. "There were days I wondered if we'd ever see the sun again." She took her eyes from the horizon and stared up at him, his normally swept back hair was disheveled from their run and she laughed as he sank down next to her in the sand.

"What's funny?"

"Do you remember when your mom would wet down your hair, over and over, trying to get it to stay put?"

"Yeah, lucky for me she just started to shave it, at least she didn't lick her hand or anything and try to smooth it down."

With a snicker Jane pretended to lick her hand and run it across his hair. But before she could finish the motion, he had her wrist in his hand and with a deep chuckled tipped her back into the sand, holding his body above hers. There had been a lot more laughter in the months since brain camp and she reveled in every moment.

"I don't get to see you enough since we've started basic, J. I miss you."

Her green eyes searched his whiskey brown depths as he dipped his head and kissed her softly.

"You can't miss me; we've never been apart for more than two weeks since we were kids."

"Yes but," he kissed her ear, "I can't do this," his lips trailed to her throat, "Whenever I want to."

"Well no, but it's not like I've gone missing."

He paused in the middle of kissing her shoulder and raised his head, his face had gone serious and she knew that look. She had struck a nerve.

"Don't joke about that. Do you remember when they came for you first?"

She knew his thoughts had turned back to those two weeks, when the men from the Biotic camp had come to get her. They had taken her first, and not gone back for Kaidan for weeks.

"I almost went crazy; I didn't know what to do. We were just kids really, if you think about it. One day you were just gone. Your parents tried to tell me that it was okay, but I didn't believe them."

"Kaidan, stop, it's over. I don't know how, but we made it. We're here now."

"I know that, but," his voice trailed off as his eyes scanned the horizon for the first stars of the night.

"But is it really over, J?"

She shook her head and scooted closer to where he now sat with his arms draped over his knees.

"No, I guess not, we are on a collision course with the inevitable."

Without looking at her he nodded and wrapped an arm about her waist.

"You know I'd find you right? If you went missing, I'd find you."

Jane sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder. She wanted to assure him that wasn't going to happen, but she knew better than to argue with him when he was in this mood.

"I know and it's what I love about you. Well one of the things."

He swung back to her, pulled her against him, and kissed her soundly. It was as if he was trying to banish the last memories of brain camp from both of their minds, and she didn't argue, just melted into him and let the shadows flee.

ooOoo

"Do you think I give a good goddamn who your parents are, Shepard?"

"No, Sir." Jane pulled her shoulders back and took a deep breath, praying her face remained passive.

"Then why is your platoon late, Corporal?" Sergeant Grieg leaned into Jane as he spoke, and she had to repress the urge to swallow and glance to her side. Instead she refocused her thoughts, she couldn't tell him that Gemma had a migraine and they had barely made it out of the barracks. As Grieg had said before, he didn't give a damn about their 'biotic' issues. There was no special leave given for the 'freaks'.

"No excuse, Sir." Silence answered her as he stared at the Corporal insignia she had received. Why they had picked her to lead the training platoon of biotics was beyond her, but Sergeant Grieg had decided it was because of her parents and took every opportunity to remind her of the fact that she was not worthy.

"Fine then, Shepard, as leader of this platoon, your passes are revoked." He began to turn away from her when he stopped and leaned back towards her.

"Oh and I think the mess needs help, so when you're not here, I want you there, understood?"

"Yes, Sir, help the mess, understood."

He didn't say anything at her passive tone, just narrowed his eyes and took a step back from her.

"That's all, get this goddamn platoon on the move, you've wasted enough time; oh and, Shepard, after tonight's meal I want you in my office."

The nerve at the corner of her eye twitched and she could almost feel the tension radiating off of Kaidan as Grieg walked to the side of the field.

The stares of the group snapped Jane out of the temporary stupor the Sergeant's last request had put her in.

"Drop into formation, let's move."

Gemma moved forward next to her as they ran and sighed, Jane glanced back at Kaidan and Justin behind her. Kaidan was staring hard at her and didn't even crack a smile when she winked at him. He was thinking what they all were. It was happening again.

"Jane, I'm sorry, you shouldn't have had to take that one for me. I really think you should tell someone that you're being called to his office though, you remember what happened at brain camp."

Jane, Kaidan, Justin and Gemma were the lucky ones that had survived brain camp and had joined the military instead of running. Sometimes Jane wondered if they should have run.

"I'll be fine, Gem, leave it."

Jane felt Kaidan move next to her, his even breath as he ran was as recognizable to her as her own. She chanced another glance at him and quickly looked away.

"Nothing is going to happen."

"We made that mistake last time, J. I won't let it happen again. It feels, wrong, don't deny it."

"Don't, don't any of you do anything that might get you in trouble. I can take care of this, and I will. You know me."

"Yeah, we do. I think that's why they're both so bloody worried." Justin gave her a half smile and she would have laughed, if it wasn't so true.

ooOoo

Jane paced for a few moments outside Grieg's door, trying to tell herself this wasn't the same, and she wasn't scared anymore. Well not of Grieg, no, she'd never be afraid of someone like him again.

The door slid open and she found herself taking a step into his office, Sergeant Grieg turned towards her, his brown hair looked almost black in the low light, his eyes focused on her and she froze at attention, waiting for him to say something, anything.

His eyes searched her face and it looked as if he was trying to decide something.

"You don't look like Anne. I think there is more of your father in you; it's the hair, that damn blood red hair. It isn't natural. Not that you're normal." He swirled the whiskey in his glass but didn't drink, choosing instead to set it on his desk. He took a step towards her but she didn't move.

"You know, Shepard, I know you think I hate you. I don't, it's not your fault your family is so perfect, and you ended up like this. I think it's rather funny actually. What with your perfect mother and father, Alliance heroes, your older brother is a Commander now isn't he?"

At the mention of her family Jane felt the nerve at the side of her eye twitch again. The reaction must have been in her stance because Grieg smiled.

"Oh, that's right, you haven't seen them. They left you to rot; all of them left you and your little friends to rot. They don't care about you." Another step towards her, his hand raised and he traced a finger lightly over the hair at her temple.

"Do they know what happened to you there? Do they know that your little boyfriend was forced to watch?"

She swallowed the dry lump in her throat as he continued to trace his finger down her face. He leaned towards her until his breath was hot in her ear.

"Do you think he liked to watch? Do you think he'll want to watch again?"

Her muscles tightened as his hands went to her shoulders.

"Don't touch me."

"Don't touch me, Sir." He said as he smiled and shoved her back against the wall, his mouth coming down hard on hers.

Without another thought Jane hit him square in the chest with a biotic blast that sent him back against his desk, she followed it with another and then a biotic kick that landed him against the far wall.

"I said don't fucking touch me, Sir."

She didn't stop to check if he was breathing, just calmly left the room walked to Captain Andrew's office. She knocked once, but didn't wait. She strode into the office to find Andrew's with another man; they were bent over his desk, looking at vids. Andrew's looked up his face a mix of shock and anger at being disturbed.

"What's the meaning of this, Shepard?"

"I'm sorry, Sir, I just thought you should know that Sergeant Grieg tried to assault me. I stopped him, but I'm not sure if he's alive. Someone might want to check that."

She stood at attention and the looked that crossed over Andrew's face would have been comical at any other moment.

"Did I hear you right, Shepard?"

"You did, Sir."

Andrew's shouted for his aide, but receiving no answer he made for the door, shouting the whole way, just before he left the office he turned back to her.

"Don't go anywhere, Shepard; Captain Anderson if you would, I will be right back, as soon as I figure out what the hell is going on."

Jane didn't move from where she stood at attention, though Captain Anderson moved to the other side of the desk and regarded her silently for a moment.

"Why did you turn yourself in?"

"I don't understand the question, Sir."

"It's simple enough. Why come here?"

"It was the right thing to do; I wouldn't hide from something like this."

"A lot of people would have run."

"I never run."

Anderson tilted his head to the side and Jane would have sworn he smiled.

"I've heard that about you."

"Sir?" she was confused. And it must have shown on her face.

"I've read a lot about you, Shepard. I hear your biotic squad is doing well. You'll be the first full biotic squad in the war you know. You deploy next moth right?"

She didn't answer right away, just stared over his shoulder. "Well I guess that depends, Sir. I might have just killed my commanding officer."

"Yes, but by what you've said, he deserved it."

"You believe me, Sir?"

"Of course, everything I've read about you says you don't lie; honest to a fault actually."

"You seem to know a lot about me, Sir."

"I'm very interested in our first biotic squad, I think you're group is very talented, and I'm sorry for what you went through."

Jane blinked twice quickly before regaining her composure.

"I didn't know anyone else knew."

"We have their records, and thanks to you and your friends, no other biotics will have to go through that."

Jane felt some of the tension leave her shoulders.

"What you did tonight, Shepard, you did because there was no other choice, you knew what you had to do, and you did it. Remember that, sometimes we have to do what we know might have dire consequences. But we do it anyways, because we must. A leader does what they must, you learned that lesson today. Don't forget it.

"I won't, Sir."

He nodded, "I know you will do fine, now I'd like you to head back to your bunk and get some shut eye. Your platoon heads out in the morning for halo jump training."

"But, Sir, Andrews said to wait."

"Andrew's trusts my judgment, and so should you. I'll take care of it."

She saluted and turned towards the door, but was stopped short as Anderson laid a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"It was good to meet you, Shepard. I'm sure we'll run into each other again. Be safe out there."

"Thank you, Sir." With that Jane left the room.

Andrews was back the next moment and motion back the way he had come.

"It's cleaned up, it happened just as she said, I've had Grieg taken into custody. Where's Shepard?"

"I sent her back to bed, she's been through enough."

"Did you see her though?" Andrews shook his head. "She was ice cold, she was willing to accept any judgment we threw at her even though she was in the right."

"I know, it's why I made her corporal, it's all right there, not to mention she comes from one hell of a military family. Her brother is a commander; her parents will be Generals soon you know."

"She's got one hell of a job in front of her though; you're expecting to send a group of kids to the front lines."

"Yes, but we need them, if we're going to compete in this damn war we need them at the front. And I am confident that with her in charge they won't fail." Anderson stared at the door where Jane had gone for a moment before turning and following Andrews out.

ooOoo

Standing for a moment in the dark Jane took a deep breath and held it, Kaidan was sitting on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands. She quietly made her way to him and kneeled beside him.

"J, where have you been, are you okay?" She took his hands in hers and laid her forehead against the backs of them.

"I'm okay, but you were right."

Kaidan's face was instantly red; she felt his hands shake and she squeezed them tighter.

"No it's okay, I didn't let him. It's been taken care of, at least I think."

She told him what he had said to her, how she had snapped and what had happened after with Anderson.

Kaidan was quiet and she knew what he was thinking.

"Don't, don't you dare do this to yourself, it wasn't your fault. What happened isn't anyone's fault. Not mine or Gemma, she was hurt too remember? That beast didn't leave any of us alone."

"I know, J. But we felt so helpless, we should have done something."

"I love you, Kaidan, but we have to let it go. By the way Anderson was talking, they're moving up our training, we're going to be in this war a lot sooner than we thought."

Pulling her forward until his lips rested against her forehead he smiled. "I don't care, as long as it's me and you, it doesn't matter where we are. Besides, we've been through hell, what's a war?" He lifted her into his lap and she nuzzled against his neck.

"You remember the song I used to sing you, J, the one my mom sang?"

"You are my sunshine. Yeah, course I remember." She smiled as his hand combed through her hair.

"It's true, and always will be." He began to hum, and in that moment even she believed they would be okay.

ooOoo

****Six Months Later****

Jane leaned with her arms folded over her chest against one of the lockers in the armory, and stared out at the planet below them; it had been months since they had taken their place in the war. A war Jane wasn't sure they could win. Not that she said that to anyone.

"No wonder you have a split lip, J, you keep chewing on it like that and it's going to be a bloody mess."

She ran the tip of her tongue over the crack on her upper lip and shrugged.

Kaidan stopped short, she could see his resolve to not reach out and run his thumb over her lips. While serving on the same ship they tried their best to stay professional. Even his nickname for her was only used when they were alone. He clasped his hands behind his back to keep from touching her and turned his eyes towards the window as well.

"So, what are you thinking?"

She shook her head and swung open the weapons locker and removed her light armor and pistol.

"Nothing really, just getting things ready."

"Come on, J, you can't hide from me. You know better, you've been stewing over something. You always look, worried. I know you as well as I know myself, and you've been distant."

"I'm sorry, Kaidan, it's nothing important, just wandering thoughts."

"You're wondering what the point is."

She nodded once. "I guess I don't see this coming out well for either side if we don't find a way to solve this. Really, what are we trying to prove?"

She shook her head and looked away from him. "See, it's nothing, just things that shouldn't be said or thought, not when we're being sent back out to fight in under an hour."

"We've all thought it, J; you're not the only one that has doubts."

"Yes, but those doubts, they can lead to something else." She shook her head again, "I don't want to talk about this anymore, Kaidan, get your gear and let's get ready to drop."

ooOoo

Jane took a deep breath and scanned the cave in front of them.

"Shepard, if they went in that cave, and didn't come out," Gemma's voice trailed off as Jane held up her hand.

Until this point their biotic group had acted as a small part of a larger platoon. But this trip they were sent in alone; rescue mission, or as Gemma had said, recovery mission.

"I know, move in slowly, Kaidan you have point. Remember we have people down here, check your fire."

"Aye, ma'am," Kaidan moved to the front and they moved into the cave as a group.

It was quiet, so quiet, if there was an Alliance patrol down here, they were either dug in or, that other option. She pushed the thought away and tried to concentrate on the task at hand.

"Shepard, light ahead," Justin motioned towards a cave that broke off of the main tunnel.

She nodded once and they moved together as one down the hall. Kaidan made a motion for them to stop and they froze and kneeled, keeping her head low Jane moved to the front.

"What is it, Alenko?"

"Turian, looks like he's alone, what do you think, Shepard?"

Gemma moved forward and shook her head.

"Look at his armor, he's an officer, he won't be alone."

"Unless he's doing something he shouldn't."

The look Kaidan gave her at that statement was lost behind his helmet, but she could feel it.

"Yeah, I know, it's not funny, give me this one."

She didn't get an answer and she took a deep breath, "Okay, move forward, slowly, he's against the wall, surround him."

They moved into a semi-circle but before Jane could speak the Turian addressed them and chills shot through Jane's spine.

"I'm surprised the Alliance would have sent me more test subjects already. The last ones weren't as successful as I would have liked, the ones that did turn are gone already, and I'm guessing they are outside by now, or you would have seen them." He motioned to the side and Jane sucked in a breath that she heard echoed in her squad.

"What did you do to them?" Jane was trying to shake herself from the stupor she felt at what was laying at the ground at her feet.

They were human, but something was wrong with them, they looked, simply put, they looked wrong.

"I perfected them, as I will you, I thank the Alliance for their cooperation," before they could react the Turian had spun on them, Justin and Gemma were thrown to the side as he lifted his weapon to fire Jane caught him with a blast to the side, but it didn't seem to slow him down, he turned and fired a shot at her that she deflected with her shield, Kaidan had moved behind him but the Turian was quicker, he turned away from Jane and grabbed him and slammed him against the wall repeatedly until she saw his head slump to the side, finally the turian held his pistol to his head and pulled the trigger. Kaidan's helm deflected most of the shot, but to Jane's horror she saw his face mask crack and explode.

"Shit, no!"

Jane ran towards Kaidan, but the Turian blocked her way, his face was obscured by the helm he wore but she would have sworn she heard a smile in his voice.

"Let him go, he's better off, his death will be quick compared to what we have in store for the rest of you. Just wait for it, don't you hear his breathing slowing? Ahh there it is, his heart is slowing and there, it's stopping. No don't look like that, it's better, it was painless."

"No, please, no, please, please, you can go, just let me help him." It was hard for her to keep the raw emotion she was feeling from choking her, threatening to overwhelm her she felt panic and an odd urge to cry, until she heard him laugh.

The panic was replaced by hate and anger and she rushed the Turian sending blast after blast at him, he seemed thrown off balance as Jane pressed forward, but as she reached him he spun and ran down a tunnel behind him, and she let him go, turning back towards where Kaidan was on the ground. Rushing back to him she slid to a stop on her knees next to him

"Justin, Gemma, you okay?"

"Aye, ma'am," Gemma was climbing back up a small cliff that she had slid over when he had thrown her to the side.

Justin nodded and stopped next to her and kneeled next to Kaidan, he shook his head as she hit the backup breather on his helmet.

"Jane, it won't help, he's not breathing, no pulse. Make sure the oxygen is flowing."

Justin began working on Kaidan and just when he was about to give up his compressions a faint whisper of steam covered his mask and Jane let out as sob she didn't know she was holding.

"Oh god, Kaidan, Kaidan," She leaned forward and pressed her fingers to his pulse, it was weak, but it was there, Justin had gotten his heart started.

"Jane," he's been without oxygen for a long time, he was as good as dead we need to get him the hell out of here."

She nodded and lifted him to her shoulders, "Call for a god damn evac." She was gone, double timing it out of the cave, praying the whole way that it wasn't too late.

ooOoo

Jane sat on board the Tokyo, it was Captain Anderson's ship, and had picked them off of their ship when the call had gone out for help, Anderson had said he had the best medical staff on board, but it didn't help the tightness that was gripping her heart.

She couldn't think couldn't breathe, if anything happened to Kaidan, what would she do?

She was staring at the wall when Anderson walked into the side observation.

"Shepard," She jumped up to attention at her name but Anderson lifted a hand and shook his head.

"Jane, you need to sit, we need to talk."

She felt the bile rise up in the back of her throat as she sat and folded her hands tightly in front of her and waited for him to speak. He paced once in front of her before sitting himself.

"I've read your report, Shepard, I can't say I'm not confused as hell as to what happened in that cave. By what you said it sounds like we have a rogue Turian officer." He cleared his throat and leaned forward.

"This is going to be hard for you to hear, Jane, but about ten hours after we ordered you into that cave, there was a cease fire called. It looks like the treaty is going to be signed for real this time."

Jane's eyebrows drew together and she sat back, "That's good, Sir. Really it is."

"I know, so in light of that, I will send this report to the Turian's and see what they make of it."

She narrowed her eyes at the floor by his boots and he nodded.

"I know that's not what you wanted to hear."

"Actually, Sir, I'm more concerned with how Kaidan is. Everything else is already said and done; it's over, nothing I can do about it. Now please, do you know how he is?"

He didn't flinch at her direct tone; it was one of the things that made her good at what she did.

"I won't bullshit you, Shepard. Kaidan was without oxygen for a long time, there was quite a bit of head trauma. He's in a coma, the doctors don't know if he'll ever make it out of it."

Jane felt the nerve at the corner of her eye twitch and she gripped the arms of her chair until her knuckles turned white, she swallowed the lump in her throat before testing her voice.

"Thank you for being honest with me, Sir."

Anderson nodded, "Do you need anything, Shepard?"

"No, did someone call his parents?"

"They will be here soon. You can go see him if you like."

She nodded but didn't trust herself to speak.

"If you need anything, just ask for me."

She nodded again and Anderson left the room.

ooOoo

Jane stood outside the door to Kaidan's hospital room and closed her eyes, this wasn't real this couldn't be real. Everything had been just fine; good lord, ten hours, ten hours and they would have been free and clear of the war.

It wasn't fair, shit, when had anything in their lives been fair?

She pressed her fingers against her implant as the first stabs of a migraine hit her.

She took a deep breath and pushed through into his room, willing her eyes to open.

She scanned him once, he looked like he was sleeping, he looked rough but his muscled chest and shoulders were the same, his face though bruised was the same as she took a seat next to him. Taking his hand in her she pressed her lips to it and brushed it over her cheek.

Her eyes flicked from side to side as terrible thoughts hit her.

What was the last thing she had said to him? When had she last kissed him, told him she loved him? God he had called her distant, when was the last time she had told him that he was her entire world?

She sobbed and bowed her head on the bed next to him as hot tears consumed her.

ooOoo

****One Year Later****

Anderson landed in Vancouver and the moment he was off the shuttle he smiled as he breathed in the damp air. The weather was always to his liking here. He nodded to the Private that had met him at the landing pad.

"I'm guessing you're my aide."

"Yes, Sir, I have a car waiting for you. Your first appointment may have to be rescheduled, but I have been told that Ambassador Udina is available to discuss the mission to the Citadel and who will be on your team."

Anderson frowned, "My first appointment was with, Shepard was it not? Is she not at the base, I was told I would observe her training of the new biotics."

The aide looked to the side and then quickly back at him. "You will, Sir, but it's dinner time, and she's out."

"Well then take me to where she's having dinner, and I'll join her."

"Yes, Sir, this way," the aide showed him to his car. When they landed Anderson followed him inside and down a long hall way, it was a hospital of sorts, well more homey than most hospitals, and as the aide paused beside one of the doors and motioned inside Anderson froze.

In the room Jane sat next to Kaidan, she looked as though she had just finished eating and was now talking to him, she held his hand, and as she glanced up at the clock she stood and bent over him, brushing her lips over his.

"I have to head back to base, love. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

She paused as if she was waiting for an answer, but of course she didn't receive one, she nodded, squeezed his hand one last time and moved towards the door.

Anderson pulled back to the side and waited for her to leave and close the door; she turned and didn't look surprised to see him.

"Hello, Sir, I'm sorry, I should have been back to base before now."

"No, don't worry about it, Shepard. I understand."

They walked together towards his car and rode back to the base in silence.

Once inside and in his office he motioned to a chair and sat.

"Jane," he paused and sat behind his desk tapping his fingers on the wood. After a few moments of silence Jane cleared her throat.

"Sir, is something wrong?"

"No, not really, just something I'm not sure you're ready to hear."

"What is it, sir? I can handle quite a bit."

"Of that I'm sure, it's one of the reasons I've promoted you to Staff Lieutenant, and had you transferred under my direct command."

Jane was silent, her eyebrows drew together and she bit her bottom lip and looked out the window and then back to him.

"I'm taking a small squad with myself and Ambassador Udina to the Citadel, we've done small trips there, but this is to set up a permanent embassy. I want you on that squad."

Silence filled the room, and after a few minutes Anderson stood and walked towards Jane, "Permission to speak freely, Shepard, tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm thinking that I would prefer to stay here, Sir."

"I know you would, but I'm afraid that this is an order, do you understand me."

She swallowed but nodded. "Of course, Sir, how long until we leave?"

"Tomorrow, first shuttle out, I need you to get your things and be ready to leave."

Jane felt cold but she nodded, she always knew this point would come, but she hated it, no matter how many times everyone had tried to tell her to leave, to move on, she hadn't been able to, she'd never been forced to.

"Aye, Sir, I'll be ready. Now if I may, I'd like to, well I'd like to say goodbye."

"Of course, Shepard, we'll be waiting; tomorrow, oh-five-hundred."

She nodded and just as the door closed behind her Udina walked in through the side door that connected their offices.

"Are you sure about her?"

"I am, she needs to get back in the field, she's just what we need, she's been through hell since she was a child and she still holds her head up and can make clear decisions, at any cost. She's proven that."

ooOoo

Saying goodbye to Kaidan had been near impossible. She felt nothing but guilt, she was just leaving him there. Who would read to him, hold his hand, who would be there if he woke up, or that other option. She swallowed and pushed the thought away, she couldn't think about that now.

God damn it, she leaned her head against the cold steel of the ship, she felt like she was giving up on him. But this was her job and she knew he would want her to do that, above everything.

She stood next to Anderson as they approached the Citadel, it was beautiful, the stories she had been told over the last year didn't do it justice and without thinking she turned to the side to gush to Kaidan about how exciting this was, but she caught herself just as her mouth opened. How weird it was to be without him, even after he had fallen into the coma, she still shared everything with him.

She swallowed and rolled her shoulders back, she could do this, she would fight through this, just like she did everything else.

Anderson led her through security and towards what would be the Human Embassy. The Citadel was huge and she was in awe of her surroundings, she was standing at the railing of what would be the human embassy, staring out over the lake when Anderson called her name.

"Shepard, as you know we're to get comfortable on the citadel, we need to know the ins and outs for security, the best way to do that is with C-Sec, it's the local authority."

Jane smiled as she turned and a Turian stepped into the room. This was the first time since the end of the war that she had been in the same room as one, and they weren't trying to kill each other. She took a breath to calm herself, she wasn't sure she could do this.

She stuck out her hand before thinking and he took her wrist as she tried to take his hand in an awkward handshake.

She smiled as his mandibles twitched open.

Pulling back her hand she clasped them behind her back, he twitched his head to the side watching the color rise in her face.

Anderson coughed to hide a laugh and nodded at the both of them.

"Staff Lieutenant Jane Shepard, this is Officer Garrus Vakarian."

"Pleased to meet you, Shepard, I'm looking forward to getting to know you."

ooOoo

**~~ I started this story on the next chapter, but after letting my beta read it we both decided it needed some background, so I know it moved fast, but I hope you got the idea. :)**

**To be continued…**

**PS. I posted the unedited version of this last night, much to my shame. This one is better. **

**^.^ Cheers**


	2. Where It All Really Started

My first year on the Citadel was not an easy one. For one thing getting used to Turians was about the hardest thing I had ever done, and that's keeping in mind I went to brain camp, and lived through what happened to Kaidan.

For the most part I tried to mind my own business, stay quiet and just do as I was told. But when I did finally learn to trust, it was one of the best things I had ever done. To have you understand, you have to know the story. About betrayal, fear, guilt and forgiveness. How I almost lost Garrus before I truly understood what he was and what he meant. Before we get into how I killed a, well that's a later story, I guess we should start at the beginning.

ooOoo

Stepping out of the shower she leaned in close to the mirror and ran a finger over the dark circles under her eyes, with a deep sigh Jane shook her head and pushed herself away from the mirror. No time to be morose, what she needed was coffee, and maybe something to eat.

Jane found her way to the common area where there were restaurants and shops. She was early as always and lost in her own thoughts about finding coffee and maybe writing a letter to Vancouver to check on Kaidan. Kaidan, the name in her head sent waves a guilt washing through her, lost in the guilt she wasn't paying attention to the people around her, when she heard someone clear their throat and when she glanced up she almost slammed into the C-Sec officer she had met the day before. The same one she was here to meet, but he was almost an hour early. No one was ever as early as she was, but the shock on her face was lost on the Turian before her.

"Shepard, you're early."

"Well, no, not really, this is on time for me."

Garrus' head tilted to the side and his mandibles twitched slightly, Jane could have sworn he looked amused.

"Find something funny, Vakarian?"

"No, well yeah maybe, it's funny how some things transcend race and species. I'm always early, good military training."

That got the first smile that Garrus had seen on Shepard's face since he'd met her, but to his disappointment it wasn't to last, and her face was back to what he assumed was the human passive look. He hoped she would smile more, her green eyes sparked when she... he shook his head, his thought fleeing as he stared at the wide-eyed Shepard in front of him, she looked confused maybe, he hadn't said anything aloud had he?

"I agree with you, but even some of the military friends I have don't think that way. Kaidan used to be all annoyed with…" it was Jane's turn to shake her head banishing the memories that were flooding her thoughts, and Garrus' turn to look confused.

"Never mind, do you know where I can get some coffee?"

"Yeah, not here though, we're going to have to head over to the C-sec headquarters, some of the humans that have joined over the last few months make the stuff. I have to admit, it smells amazing."

Jane nodded and they set out for the C-Sec office, Garrus showed her to the break room, a few of the others standing around smiled and nodded to him. Jane glanced at the faces around her, humans, Turians and Asari. They were so comfortable with each other; it was like no war had happened here. How could it be like that for them? When the war was so fresh in her mind?

The first drink of coffee was like going home and Jane closed her eyes inhaling the aroma and savoring the taste.

Garrus was confused again for about the eighth time since having Shepard almost plow him over this morning, he had never expected to see her there that early. Most of the humans of his acquaintance in C-sec over the past few months, seemed to really enjoy their sleep.

Now she looked as close to bliss as he'd ever seen any of them, and it was all due to coffee. He chuckled and Jane's eyes snapped up to his over the rim of her cup and she blushed for the second time since he'd met her. His mandibles flicked open in a smile her reaction was almost instant the smile and blush faded. The black smudges under her eyes darkened as a shadow fell across her face and he realized the look on her face was one he knew too well himself.

It was a soldier's look, she was looking for escape routes and calculating how long it would take her to kill them and get out. He didn't judge her, in fact he understood, the first few months had been the hardest for him, but it had gotten easier and now he liked to think he even had some human friends. He had learned a lot since the war. Jane just wasn't as far along.

Jane froze as Garrus' mandibles flicked open and too many battles flashed before her minds' eye and she felt the nerve at the corner of her eye twitch. She was going to have to learn to deal. And so far she was doing a terrible job.

ooOoo

A woosh of air left Jane as Garrus dropped her off at the Human embassy, at the end of a very awkward first day. The tour around the Citadel had gone fine, the security protocols were normal and she didn't understand what she was doing there; C-sec by all accounts was run perfectly, not unlike the police force back in Vancouver. She leaned against the door at her back and reeled backwards as it swooshed open. Catching her footing she pulled herself up to attention and snapped a crisp salute at the sight of Captain Anderson.

Anderson smiled as Jane almost toppled backwards into him. His eyes swept her hair and face, she looked tired, her red hair normally so bright seemed dull.

He smiled as he returned her salute.

"How was your first day, Jane?"

He saw the nerve at the corner of her eye twitch as she bit down on her upper lip before answering.

"It was fine, I guess. A little awkward," pausing she took a deep breath before continuing. "Sir, what am I doing at C-sec, it seems to me that they run just fine, I'm military, sir, not," Anderson held up a hand and smiled again before she could continue.

"I know what you are, Jane, and for now the Citadel is your home base, you are my military attachment to C-sec, and effectively you are the MP for the humans here. Do you understand?"

"I do, Sir." Her words said that, but Anderson could see the haunted look in her eyes and he nodded.

"I know it's hard for you, Jane, the war, and now I'm shoving you in with them, when you haven't had the adjustment time the rest of us have had."

She shook her head and squared her shoulders at his words, he could see her bristling, "I am not that weak, Sir. I can do this, I just needed to understand."

He held back a smile and nodded. "I wouldn't have chosen you for this, if I didn't think you were the perfect person."

"I know, I thank you for your confidence, Sir, I will do my best."

"I know you will."

And with that, Anderson nodded as she saluted and he moved past her but before the doors could close he added, "Jane, I'd like you to try and get some sleep."

Jane nodded, "I'll try, Sir."

He accepted that, knowing that it wasn't going to happen; she was going to have to mend before she could put all of her old demons to rest. He was just praying he had made the right choice and that she could find peace away from Earth.

ooOoo

It had been three months at C-sec and Jane was settling in for the most part, she had made nice with most of the people that worked with her, and she could at least stand in a room with the Turians and not have the urge to rest her hand on her sidearm the whole time, just in case.

Jane drained her coffee and sat the cup on Garrus' desk. The day had started out just like any other, until Garrus hadn't met her in the common area, and until she had walked into C-sec had two cups of coffee, and watched everyone else start the day and still no Garrus. She glanced at the clock behind Garrus' desk and frowned, he was almost thirty minutes late. He was never late.

She walked next door and stuck her head in to Captain Bailey's office. "Morning, Captain, have you seen Garrus? I feel like I missed him heading out on patrol or something."

Bailey glanced up shook his head before going back to the paperwork before him.

"No, maybe he went straight out, Garrus has a tendency to do things his way. Doesn't like this stuff," he gestured to the data pad in front of him. "Kinda odd for a Military man, not to mention Turian, but you've been around him long enough to figure that out."

Jane gave him a look that as he glanced up and caught caused him to chuckle, "Or you haven't, you haven't really talked to him, have you?"

She gave a slight shrug and he leaned forward on his desk folding his hands together. "I get it, Shepard, we all had issues, but they aren't that different than us, hell in fact I'd say the Turians are more like us than we ever wanted to admit during the war. Give them a chance, and I don't mean just put up with them, give them a real chance."

She gave a slight nod but didn't reply and Bailey motioned towards the door, "When you do find him, tell him he can't shove off his paperwork forever. Now if he did head out on patrol he'd most likely be by Chora's Den."

Jane rushed out of his office and back to Garrus', grabbing her things she hurried towards the exit and headed towards Chora's Den, she didn't know why but she had a feeling something wasn't right. One thing that Bailey had pointed out to her that she had missed this whole time was that Turians were more like humans than they realized, and point of order, Garrus was more like her than she had let herself see. They were creatures of habit; he wouldn't have just gone off grid without letting her know. She knew that, because she wouldn't do it.

Garrus was in trouble, and she had to find him, it was the first thing she had been sure of since she had left Earth.

ooOoo

Garrus blinked trying to clear his eyes, the last thing he had known was the common area, he had been standing at one of the shops eyeing up a rifle when a pistol had caught his attention, it had reminded him of the one Shepard carried, and he wondered if she ever used a rifle. It wasn't odd lately for his thoughts to be distracted by the young red-headed human, even if she never looked sure if she wanted to talk to him or kill him.

So far she had opted for silence and he had hoped that with time she might open up to him, he had heard so much about her from some of the other humans, well more like he had over heard them, tales of the first biotic squad in the war. That had been his last thought before he heard the noise in the alley behind the common room. It sounded like someone struggling he turned and walked down the alley and that was the last thing he remembered. Voices to his side drew him out of his thoughts and he froze.

"What are we going to do with the C-sec?"

"Does it matter? We've got what the boss wants; he needs us to move out now. So get rid of him."

"Right this stupid thing, looks like a museum piece, you'd think someone like the boss could just get it himself."

"Not our business to ask now is it? Now do as I said and get rid of the damn Turian."

"Best part of this job so far if you ask me."

Krogans, Garrus sighed, sounded like two of them, and they had relieved him of his weapons, and he was tied up. Spirits, Garrus how did you get yourself in this mess he thought as he glanced around him but it wasn't by sight that he knew where he was, it was the sound, the steady beat that could only be Chora's Den.

Garrus closed his eyes again letting the steady beat filled his head as he waited for the Krogan to enter the room and come for him.

Jane entered Chora's, there were regulars there that even she was used to seeing and as she approached the bar she tapped her fingernail against the hard metal top.

"What do you want human? I didn't call C-sec." The Turian bartender was in a bad mood and Jane narrowed her eyes, her concern for Garrus making her in no better of a mood.

"Listen, I'm not in the mood for the attitude so stow it, I have a question."

"No I haven't seen anyone by that description."

Jane's face screwed up in annoyance, "I didn't even ask."

"Yeah I thought I'd save you asking something I'm not going to tell you anyways."

Leaning a little farther forward towards the bartender Jane's eye twitched as she ground her teeth together before starting again slowly.

"I'm sorry, I think we got off on the wrong foot, I'm looking for Vakarian he's a C-sec officer. I was wondering if you'd seen him. Have you, you know, seen him?"

Jane's hand began to glow a faint blue as her other rested on top of her sidearm, the Turian eyed her for a moment before deciding it wasn't worth it.

His eyes flicked towards a back room. "But trust me human, you do not want to go back there."

"Actually, I'm quite sure I do."

He shrugged and Jane gave a nod before heading in that direction. The music was piercing into her head; no she wouldn't let a headache start now, not now.

The door was guarded, but she didn't slow down, a biotic blast sent the Turian guarding the door to the side. She didn't stop there, in one motion she had the door open just in time to see two Krogan hovering over a seemingly unconscious Garrus.

Garrus heard the door break open and opened his eyes. Just as the Krogan turned towards the sound he kicked forward causing the first Krogan to cuss as he stumbled a few steps into a biotic blast that sent him back against the far wall.

It was Jane; he saw the flash of her light armour and the glint of her red hair. She had come to find him? He felt a slight thrill at the thought but didn't have long to ponder on what it meant. The second Krogan had already lined Jane up and was charging her, he caught her in the midsection and Garrus heard the crash as they went through the wall by the door.

He was struggling now to finish off the restraints he had tried to get out of since he had woke up. He could hear the fighting but as much as he tried his hands wouldn't come loose. In the midst of his struggle everything went silent and he stopped moving, waiting, waiting for anything. Just when he was about to believe that the Krogan and Jane had killed each other, Jane wheezing and gasping for air appeared in the doorway once again, but this time she was holding her side. She took a deep breath and moved towards where Garrus was sitting stock still, staring at her.

"What's the look for?"

"I just saw you take a Krogan charge and go through a wall, that's what the look is about, are you crazy?"

Kneeling behind him Jane undid Garrus' restraints and groaned as she stood.

"Well I was trained to fight Turians now wasn't I, not Krogan. The whole head butting bit would have been useful to know about by the way."

"Yeah I guess so; I'll have to note that in my human training manual."

"Sure, you get right on that." Jane looked around the room then back at Garrus. "What the hell are you doing in here anyways?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

Jane shrugged, "You were late."

He chuckled and shook his head, "Yeah, well for my part I'm not really sure what I'm doing here. But, I think I interrupted a robbery," he moved towards a table and picked up something that reminded Jane of old relics she had read about in history books.

"Looks old, Garrus, you should get it back to C-sec, see if you can't find out," she grimaced and what colour was in her face vanished and Garrus put his arm around her to keep her from falling.

"Yeah we'll do that, but first things first; we get you to see the doc."

"Bah, I'm fine." She bit her lip to hide another grimace.

Garrus shook his head and moved his hand lower on her waist, to where her hand had griped her side. She flinched but didn't make a sound, and he would have chuckled had Jane not looked to be in so much pain.

"Yeah, no I'd say that Krogan hurt you worse than you think, Spirits Jane you're soft here." She could feel his talons poking slightly at her side and she pulled back. Garrus felt the motion and removed his hand.

"I'm sorry I wasn't thinking, Jane."

She nodded and she took a deep breath, "It's fine, Garrus. Let's just get the hell out of here." Garrus nodded and together they made their way out of the Den, ignoring the stares of the customers around them, so they didn't notice the Turian in the shadows whose eyes followed them, resting on the red hair of Jane Shepard, red hair he remembered all too well.

An hour latter with the help of a little medi- gel and a few wraps around her waist Jane was sitting on the edge of Garrus' desk staring at the object that it seems all the fuss had been over. But there had been no reports of theft and no one at C-sec even knew what it was. So they booked it into evidence.

As they stood together outside the Human Embassy just as they did every evening Jane noticed that Garrus stood a little longer than normal, he was silent, the blue glow of his eyepiece showed that he was looking anywhere but at her and she tried a smile and took a deep breath.

"Did you notice that we used each other's first names today?"

He cleared his throat in a rumbling cough before nodding, "Yeah, not very military of us, huh?"

She shrugged, "I was worried about you, it just kind of felt natural you are my partner after all."

"Partner, really I didn't think you saw it that way, it kind of feels like most of the time you can't wait to get away from me."

Jane's eyes dropped to where their booted feet stood together, she noticed they both stood at parade rest and it made her smile.

"I know, Garrus. And I'm sorry for that, I want to work on it, and perhaps we can change the fact that after months, we're still strangers."

He nodded, "I'd like that, partner." His mandibles flicked open in what Jane now knew as a smile and she returned it.

"In honour of this new arrangement, would you like to accompany me to supper? I promise we'll find you human food, and I won't poison you. Well you know unless you like that sort of adventure. I mean hell you did stand toe to toe with a Krogan, who knows what you're into."

Jane laughed a true full-bodied laugh that doubled her over. It was a good sound from her, one Garrus hadn't ever heard, and he hoped it wouldn't be the last.

ooOoo

Garrus stood outside Jane's room in her apartment, they had been partners for over a year, and ever since he had been abducted Jane and he had gotten along better than good, she had become not only his partner but a trusted friend.

But even though they had been through quite a bit together and she knew almost everything about his life, he knew practically nothing about hers.

He had never pushed, she offered up that her mother, father and brother were in the military as well, but that was information he had already known, everyone knew the Shepards, it was a military family, they served in the same fleet, her parents Generals, her brother a Major. But that's as far as the conversation ever went, and she never talked about Earth or her training. Not to mention friends, she had never once mentioned friends.

But as he stood in her front room, he couldn't help but notice that there was only one picture in the entire place, it was of her and another human, male and Garrus couldn't help but wonder.

"Jane, can I ask you something?" He shouted as he heard the water from the shower shut off.

"Yeah of course, Garrus what is it?"

"I know you might biotic the shit out of me for asking, but I've told you all about my dad, and why I ended up in C-sec. But you never talk about your family, or friends."

He heard her movement in the room stop and the silence that followed actually caused him to fidget where he stood, and by the time she spoke again it felt as if time had stopped.

"It's a really long sob story, and I'm not sure it's one you would want to hear."

She stepped out of her room in a t-shirt and jeans, her hair was wet and fell in deep red ringlets down her face and neck; he tilted his head to the side and smiled.

"Jane, I figured by now that you know I care about you, I want to know everything. I get that you might not care about me as much as I do you, but," Jane shook her head and cut him off.

"Garrus, it's not like that, it's just, complicated. You know I care about you, it's just…" he chuckled, his turn to cut her off.

"Complicated, I know I get that, you've said that. Well I can take complicated. Lay it on me."

"Alright, but you're going to have to cancel our dinner plans, because this might take a while."

ooOoo

Garrus shook his head as he took a sip of his wine and poured Jane another glass from her bottle. "So you're telling me, that you haven't even seen your parents since you were sent off to this "brain camp"? Not even since you joined the military?"

"No, my parents are busy you see, and my brother was always the perfect one, no Biotic freak there. I think they kind of wanted to forget I existed. Not to mention that we were in the middle of a war what only two years ago, right?"

"Yeah but forgetting that, they didn't even come to see you after what that biotic trainer did to you?"

She closed her eyes against the memory and turned her face to the side taking a deep drink from her glass.

"No, and I'm kind of glad I don't think I could have dealt with that."

"I'm sure you've heard it before, but that wasn't your fault."

"Yeah I know, I told you about what happened in basic training, I made sure I'd never be a victim again."

"And good on you, Jane, that's the fire in you I love seeing."

Her green eyes sparked at him when he said it and he cleared his throat and took another drink.

"So I've noticed you've left out who that guy in the photo over there is. You've danced around saying his name or talking about him." Garrus could have smacked himself at the way he said "that guy" he didn't want her to think he was jealous, but to be fair, he might feel just a little jealous. Spirits what was wrong with him?

Jane took another drink and a deep breath.

"His name is Kaidan Alenko, we had known each other since we were children, both biotics we ended up in brain camp together, it was always just us, we only ever had each other, well and our squad." Another deep sigh and she pressed on.

"Kaidan was hurt in the last battle of the war for us, he was without oxygen for a long time, on my watch, he's been in a coma ever since. It was a rogue Turian, and officer and he got away with it..." It was all sort of blurted out before she drained the wine glass and sat back.

Garrus looked at her face, that over the last six months had lost its shadows, the dark smudges under her eyes had faded, but now as she turned sparkling green eyes at him, he understood what had caused her sleepless nights.

"You love him very much, and you blame yourself for what happened."

"Yeah, it was my squad," She trailed off and came back with a different thought.

"Did you know the war ended while we were in that cave? A war that didn't mean anything, a war that shouldn't have dragged on for as long as it did. A war where I learned to hate based on nothing more than what something looked like. You're god damn right I feel guilty. Guilty for the Turians I killed, Guilty for letting Kaidan get hurt," Her eyes locked with his and she bit down on her lip. "Guilty for the way I feel about you."

Garrus froze, not sure he had heard her right but the look on her face said he had.

"And I'll never be able to get Kaidan's forgiveness for any of it."

She slumped forward but no tears fell, just a deep dry breath that tore at Garrus and he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her to his chest.

"Jane, Kaidan loved you, even if any of it would have been your fault, which it isn't, he would have forgiven you without asking, without even thinking."

"I'm not sure how you figure that."

"Because, Jane, it's what I would do. I think perhaps, you need to forgive yourself."

She clutched him a bit tighter and shook her head, "I'm not sure I can do that."

"I'll be right here when you're ready, I'm not going anywhere."

Even as guilt ravaged her from within she couldn't fight how right the weight and warmth of Garrus felt so she leaned into him and let her breathing even out and she began to drift off to Garrus' deep rumbling breaths.

ooOoo

The next morning found them both in much the same position and Jane almost launched herself off the couch.

"Garrus, wake up, it's morning and we are going to be late."

"Relax, Jane, we're never late, besides, we don't have to meet first, we'll just head right for headquarters."

He smiled up at her and watched her turn that colour of red he had come to enjoy so much.

"Garrus, about last night, I don't know if I can, that is what I said, I meant it but, I'm-you-know-oh hell." Garrus stood and wrapped his arms around her in a light hug.

"I know, I understand, we won't push anything, I know how you feel, and you know how I feel."

She looked up at him and pushed back from his embrace. "I do?"

"You should, Jane, I like you too, and I think, with time, something between us could work, we're so much alike, but I understand now, and I'll wait."

"Garrus, I," Tilting his head to the side he ran his talons through her hair.

"I know, and I'll be right here."

ooOoo

It was later that morning as Jane was buried in a data pad filled with paperwork that Garrus had been neglecting, trying to concentrate, wondering if she could really go from the girl who was trained to kill Turians, to the girl in love with her Turian C-sec partner, and all the while the image of Kaidan was in the back of her mind, causing her heart to swim in guilt, a guilt she knew wasn't fair to herself. And it was with this war of emotions raging inside of her that she heard a voice that set her hair on end.

A silver Turian was leaning into her and Garrus' office, as Garrus looked up he stood quickly from his desk. The Turian look at him and looked as if he was trying to be pleasant, but when his cold eyes turned to her she felt like shards of ice had been flung into her. He quickly looked away from her, almost disgusted and back to Garrus as he tried to feign a smile.

"Garrus Vakarian, I was told you found something that belongs to me."

The voice again, and this time Jane knew where she had heard it, she bit down on her lip to keep a shout in her throat. As Garrus nodded and motioned for the Turian to follow him.

"Of course, Saren, someone said you'd be coming, remember, Jane? This is the Spectre I was telling you about."

Jane's blood froze, the Turian who had tried to kill Kaidan, was a Spectre.


End file.
